I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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