Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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