worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
