So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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