Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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