I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
