How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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