you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
