not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
