Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and she was petting her beer can
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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