how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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