I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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