Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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