Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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