Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
