Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
even my farts smell like vagina
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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