He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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