i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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