How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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