I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize