I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
