things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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