She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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