guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How naked do you want me to be?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
