nut hugger
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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