It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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