please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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