i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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