kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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