I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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