Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
