It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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