Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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