the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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