Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Randomize