And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
