Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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