it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's rum buckets o'clock
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
