dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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