I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
