i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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