i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
