remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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