Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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