I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
