i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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