Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
