she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
