my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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