new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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