He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize