I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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