i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
