You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
