dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
