i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
