Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
