He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
