2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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