i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize