and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
