she looked like the before picture.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
