Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
