Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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