ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
