True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
