He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize