im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
