Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
